This is going to be a bit hard to explain but bear with me here. I'll try not to be long winded and I'll break everything up into pieces. The mini life story is also just there so you can see a bit more into who I am, and why I'm at where I'm at.
I've known that I'm gay since junior high. Yet even with knowing that I was still extremely nasty to this one kid, (Who will not be named) on the sole factor that he acts really really gay. I even spent a good year of school rallying other kids up to call him gay and basically just be mean to him. (I know this might hit close to home for some of you. if so, then I'm sorry.) Which, now I completely regret it and one of my goals is to find him and at least apologize sincerely. But still, I was really really mean to him and only him. Just because he "acted" gay.
Fast foreward to years later, I was sure I worked the resentment out of my mind and headed off to my first gay date. And it went badly. For the first time in my life I was scared of someone. I put up a 10 mile high invisible wall and singlehandedly destroyed the date. I immediately stopped dating after that, with plans to visit with and get comfortable with the gay community.
A few days ago (2 years after the date) I realized I hadn't made progress in the area whatsoever. But I figured maturity would make up for that. So I looked around and found a meetup. Which was tonight. It was fun, they had xbox, card games, food, etc. but when walked through the door I immediately wanted to leave. I got through a card game and I really loosened up once I made my way to the game console.
All was good, however I felt a bit of anxiety whenever someone touched me (I couldn't look anyone in the eyes either). which is fine, even though gays are extremely social creatures and touch is social, I could deal with it. until one of them decided to pet my hair. (to my dismay I have a temporary beiber-esq thing going on) so he started petting, and then another guy pet my hair. and then they both pet my hair at the same time.
anxiety extreme. even though I enjoyed it, my jaw locked, and I felt my chest tighten. (how lame is that) I didn't sort of like it. I loved it. I really, really, really, love it when people touch my head. They couldn't have know that but it totally made my night. but at the same time I just couldn't function while they were touching my head. The best I could do was force a smile, and a laugh.
I don't know why I have these blockades up. I'm fine with being gay. But with gay people, even the entirety of the gay culture, I just push it away. I never feel fear when talking to another person, unless, I know they're gay. I have no clue why, and I can't seem break down these walls. (although personally, I don't even know where to start.)
This fear is like a blockade in my life. At this stage I should be out dating. Nothing is strange about me, I'm not the "bully from school" or some "redneck backwater person" like this is kinda making me sound out to be. I'm just a normal person living in the city with temporary bieber-esq hair.
What is this? I can't be the only gay with fears like this. So I came here seeking advice.
Source: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/88695-im-scared-gay-community.html
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