?Fatherneed,? by Kyle Pruett, is a fairly comprehensive book on the father?s role in raising children.? Early on, Pruett establishes that he does not feel either parent is more essential than the other.? He also clearly states that single parents can raise productive members of society.? His main focus is to demonstrate the more general advantages to having the father active in parenting.?
In the first two chapters, he notes that fathers tend to play differently with the children than the mothers.? A father is less likely to use toys when playing and will allow a child to get more frustrated with an activity before intervening in some way.? A father is also less likely to shame a child (his words).? Some of the results of this style of parenting are a greater ability to problem solve, a willingness to wait their turn, and to try new things.? Fathers also don?t change their speech much when dealing with infants or toddlers.? Looking back, I know I specifically refused to ?baby talk,? but I thought it was not only ridiculous for an adult male to engage in it, but also because I had heard enough children with poor vocabulary, enunciation and pronunciation skills that I couldn?t see any reason not to talk to them normally.
In chapter two, he notes one study:
?[The study] notes that boys with strong father identification scored higher on measures of internal control and conformity to rules; those with weaker feelings of paternal identification had more trouble with moral judgments and nonconformity.?
I suppose we don?t need to look much further than the plight of inner cities.? ?The studies on single-parenting and crime are always politically charged.? Having seen politics win out over findings at Corrections, I?m very wary of trusting findings at face value.?
When discussing emotional vulnerability, he references a study by Vicky Phare and summarizes something particularly relevant to my situation:
?DEPRESSION: Stronger links were found between childhood depression and maternal depression than were found to paternal depression.?
My ex was twice diagnosed with depression and trice took herself off meds without doctor?s consent or knowledge.? My oldest son has been diagnosed with depression.? To this day, she insists I am a depressed personality, despite her medical history and the absence of indicators in my behavior.?
Chapter three discusses single fatherhood.? I don?t have much to say on the matter.? My boys were in an intact and (relatively) stable house for the first ten years or so of their lives.? He did note an interesting longitudinal study about dads as primary caregivers.? He noted that two of the marriages that foundered and later divorced went into the pregnancy with the expectation of the father as primary caregiver.? Read this quote from the mother and tell me this isn?t a symptom of hypergamy:
?Derek, no matter how hard he tried, could never make me feel as loved as he did our kids.?
He was not her leader.? He was a good enough guy (she relates that they stayed friends), so it?s not as if there was abuse or neglect.? No, she just didn?t have the tingle anymore, so she divorced.
Chapter Four is actually pretty interesting.? He shifts gears from the typical review of literature and studies and gives men different checklists.? I have to admit, the format (checklists) works for me.? With each stage of child development (infancy, toddler, preschool, grade school, adolescence, and young adult), he gives pointers in categories: Prepare your emotions, prepare your skills, prepare your marriage, prepare your nest.? Not every category is present for each stage.? I read the years I am in (grade school, adolescence) and his pointers are worth checking out.? It?s still advice in a very general scope and nothing really eye-opening for me.? I don?t think I?m a particularly engaged dad, though maybe I am since the topic is enough to get me to read lots of books about it and blog about it.? I just don?t feel like I am as engaged as I could be.?
The next chapter was a little disappointing.? In leading up to this chapter on divorce, Pruett seemed to clearly communicate meaningful messages not typically voiced.? Here, he simply recounts conventional wisdom and doesn?t advance the ball down the field all that much.? I did find a particularly interesting paragraph:
?Boys tend to take the biggest hit postdivorce when relationships and events don?t go well.? Self-control, sleep, and motivation seem to suffer, especially when boys remain with their mothers following contentious custody battles.? Even six years down the road, according to Shirley Hanson?s research on divorcing families, boys experience reactive depression, social incompetence, and acting out behaviors.? These effects are often ameliorated, however, if a good joint custody arrangement allows the boys ample time in a good quality connection with his father.? Intriguingly, boys in such effective joint custody arrangements do not differ significantly from sons of happily married couples.?
Let?s see.? One son is diagnosed with depression?check.? The younger son is seeing ENT doctors and specialists for his sleeping disorder?check.? Silver lining is that if fathers fight for joint custody and bury the bones of disagreement with the ex, the boys can be okay.?
I admit I skimmed over the next couple chapters.? He went into a little detail about fathering differences in ethnic subcultures in the US (black, Hispanic, Asian, etc).? It didn?t strike me as particularly in depth, so I wasn?t sure what could be learned from it.? He also gives some parenting tips to single women.? So, if you?re a single mom, he hasn?t left you out of the advice loop.?
He finishes out the book with a couple chapters on what the man can gain from fatherhood and ultimately refocuses that the end result of all the clamor and fuss is healthy children.? You can shake the box in circles or in random directions.? If your goal is to be engaged with your children, your children will be better off.
Overall, the book was fairly informative and helpful.? Guys who don?t make stuff like this their hobby as they await the courts? decision ending their marriage can find some useful tips.? He?s not decidedly MRA or feminist, though I can imagine a feminist stomach tightening over some comments.? Worth the price?? I paid about $8 with S&H.? I?ll probably re-gift it, but think it?s worth checking out of the library.
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Source: http://thejumpschool.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/fatherneed-by-kyle-pruett/
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